The End of the Line

In reality, I've always found death a bit fascinating. Not in a morbid way, but the process and the fact, that obviously, no one alive has experienced it. In college I took 'The Psychology of Death and Dying' and loved the class. It focused more on the physical side than the emotional side. In many ways, death is just as natural as being born. That doesn't make dealing with the emotional side any easier.

I know there are several steps to the grieving process. Ian will have to experience each on his own time, and I realize that is something I can't interfere with. He is hurting and because he is not an emotional person, his coping mechanism is to shut down. As a result, I end up pushing him away. It's the first time in our marriage where we have had this road block. Communication is nothing we have struggled with and I have no idea how to approach it.

I have spoken to my MIL several times in the last couple of weeks. She is devastated, as would be expected from any 52 year old widow. She keeps a brave front for Ian and Megan (my SIL), much like she did during the eight months Tim struggled with the cancer. In many ways she acts as if she must protect them from the reality. She will speak with Ian on the phone and then break down the minute she hears my voice. She portrays her heartbreak and says things such as she hopes Ian and I will have 60 years together. More times than not, I also end up in tears by the end of our conversations.

Colleen has said that she mailed us a "funeral package" containing copies of memorial booklet, the video tape of the service, an audio tape and a copy of the guest book. I know she is doing it to try and allow Ian closure but I can only imagine how it will bring up more emotions for him. He's already been playing and replaying the song played at the service.

Perhaps it's the words that bring the comfort.

Sick

As much as I tried to prevent it, I managed to get the stomach bug that went through the house. Yesterday at 4am I was completely miserable and by 10:00am I had Ian drive me to Urgent Care to get an IV to become rehydrated. I was concerned that my sugars would fluctuate due to not eating had the fact I had taken Lantus (long acting insulin) the night before. I also tend to need IV fluids every time I get a GI virus.

By 4:30pm, I had been given five liters of saline (they only had saline) and doctor advised me to go to the ER. My stats weren't improving, with my heart rate remaining between 140 and 160. The urgent care doc called and spoke with an attending at the hospital, who advised I be sent by ambulance due to my tachycardia. Not feeling as if I needed the care, I declined the ride but agreed to have Ian drive me. I spent the next two and a half hours trying to convince Ian that I really didn't need to go to the hospital. He insisted and we drove 30 miles to the hospital, which was less than fun on the slick roads.

After taking my stats (my heart rate was at 145), they took me straight back. Another IV was placed and the ECG and labs came back fine, but my heart rate was still lingering around 140. I could hear the residents and the attending discussing how strange it was that even with all the fluids I received I was still experiencing tachycardia. Eventually, after finding few leads and ketones in my urine, they decided that I was still dehydrated and my diabetes was preventing my body from balancing out. Half a liter of saline and a full liter with dextrose, my heart rate went down to 105. They countered the dextrose with insulin and then monitored me without the fluids. At 2:30am I was discharged.

We got back to the car to find that the dome light had been left on and the battery of our van was dead. I was exhausted and it was the coldest night of the year, reaching a record low of -19 F. I waited in a security car while Ian jumped us. The roads were awful and we didn't make it home until 4am. Ian got up at 7am and went to work, I've spent the morning on the couch with the two little ones.

Thankfully, I am feeling much better today. I'm still surprised that it took nearly 7 liters to get my heart rate at a high, but reasonable level. I suppose this is a sign that I should take my health more seriously. I have canceled my last two Endocrinologist appointments as I felt I was too busy to attend them. When I think about that, I know it is ridiculous because I make time for everything else. I plan to an appointment today.

We survived Natalie's slumber party! Ten children, my four included, joined us for the night. Hallie's "best friend" Emma also came to enjoy the chaos. The girls had a wonderful time, but I am very thankful we don't do this on a regular occurrence!














































































In other news, Ian and I bought an early Christmas present:

We were able to get an amazing deal on it and it is perfect! Ian will drive our other Odyssey until we can trade it in for a smaller vehicle. We were very fortunate to find such an amazing deal.

Not our exact van, but identical.

Maybe things are looking up?

“Purpose is what gives life meaning."

A friend once told me that it is much easier to deal with your own grief than that of someone you love. There really is truth to that. At the moment, half a world away, Tim's funeral is being held. They will have him in a casket and following the "celebration" he will be cremated. His ashes will then be scattered in a place he and Ian used to hike together.

Shortly after Tim was diagnosed, we were talking online and he asked me how Ian was coping. He explained that he worried for his son because he remembered when his own father became sick. I assured him I would take care of Ian and he said he knew and how grateful he was that Ian had me. At the time I cried, telling myself that it would be okay but realizing those words would probably one day come into play. I have told everyone that Ian is okay, but I know he is not. I honestly can't imagine being in his place right now, nor do I want to. I know how extremely close Tim and Ian were and I know Ian is really hurting over losing Tim. Of course, he is being a male and insisting that he must be strong for everyone else. When it comes down to it, he hasn't been coming to bed until 4am in attempts to avoid thinking.

Today we had plans to go car shopping but it snowed and neither of us felt like venturing out to the dealerships. We are still looking for a car for Ian and trading in my Odyssey for a newer one. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but hopefully two cars because I hate car shopping!

Birthday Girl

Today is Natalie's 8th birthday! It's so hard to believe she went from this shy, abused 5 year old into a very sweet and loving little girl. I am so grateful she came into our lives and we were able to have her join our family.

I am planning to make her requested dinner of: Spaghetti, Italian sausage, garlic french bread and a garden salad. Afterward we'll take the girls to Cold Stone for some ice cream. I had planned on making a cake but she said she would rather go out, and I wasn't about to complain.

In general, everyone is doing alright. Dannah opted to stay home from school today, while Natalie chose to go. We are all still very sad but have managed to avoid tears today. Tim's Christmas present arrived today, we had ordered it with two day delivery in hopes of sending it early to cheer him up. Right now I have no idea what to do with it. Anyone need a Bill Bryson book on CD? Maybe we'll just donate it, I have a feeling returning it would leave a worse feeling.

I'll update later with photos of Natalie's birthday.

Has Blogspot changed? Many people can't view my blog and my font has changed as well. Can someone help me figure it out?