The End of the Line

In reality, I've always found death a bit fascinating. Not in a morbid way, but the process and the fact, that obviously, no one alive has experienced it. In college I took 'The Psychology of Death and Dying' and loved the class. It focused more on the physical side than the emotional side. In many ways, death is just as natural as being born. That doesn't make dealing with the emotional side any easier.

I know there are several steps to the grieving process. Ian will have to experience each on his own time, and I realize that is something I can't interfere with. He is hurting and because he is not an emotional person, his coping mechanism is to shut down. As a result, I end up pushing him away. It's the first time in our marriage where we have had this road block. Communication is nothing we have struggled with and I have no idea how to approach it.

I have spoken to my MIL several times in the last couple of weeks. She is devastated, as would be expected from any 52 year old widow. She keeps a brave front for Ian and Megan (my SIL), much like she did during the eight months Tim struggled with the cancer. In many ways she acts as if she must protect them from the reality. She will speak with Ian on the phone and then break down the minute she hears my voice. She portrays her heartbreak and says things such as she hopes Ian and I will have 60 years together. More times than not, I also end up in tears by the end of our conversations.

Colleen has said that she mailed us a "funeral package" containing copies of memorial booklet, the video tape of the service, an audio tape and a copy of the guest book. I know she is doing it to try and allow Ian closure but I can only imagine how it will bring up more emotions for him. He's already been playing and replaying the song played at the service.

Perhaps it's the words that bring the comfort.

Sick

As much as I tried to prevent it, I managed to get the stomach bug that went through the house. Yesterday at 4am I was completely miserable and by 10:00am I had Ian drive me to Urgent Care to get an IV to become rehydrated. I was concerned that my sugars would fluctuate due to not eating had the fact I had taken Lantus (long acting insulin) the night before. I also tend to need IV fluids every time I get a GI virus.

By 4:30pm, I had been given five liters of saline (they only had saline) and doctor advised me to go to the ER. My stats weren't improving, with my heart rate remaining between 140 and 160. The urgent care doc called and spoke with an attending at the hospital, who advised I be sent by ambulance due to my tachycardia. Not feeling as if I needed the care, I declined the ride but agreed to have Ian drive me. I spent the next two and a half hours trying to convince Ian that I really didn't need to go to the hospital. He insisted and we drove 30 miles to the hospital, which was less than fun on the slick roads.

After taking my stats (my heart rate was at 145), they took me straight back. Another IV was placed and the ECG and labs came back fine, but my heart rate was still lingering around 140. I could hear the residents and the attending discussing how strange it was that even with all the fluids I received I was still experiencing tachycardia. Eventually, after finding few leads and ketones in my urine, they decided that I was still dehydrated and my diabetes was preventing my body from balancing out. Half a liter of saline and a full liter with dextrose, my heart rate went down to 105. They countered the dextrose with insulin and then monitored me without the fluids. At 2:30am I was discharged.

We got back to the car to find that the dome light had been left on and the battery of our van was dead. I was exhausted and it was the coldest night of the year, reaching a record low of -19 F. I waited in a security car while Ian jumped us. The roads were awful and we didn't make it home until 4am. Ian got up at 7am and went to work, I've spent the morning on the couch with the two little ones.

Thankfully, I am feeling much better today. I'm still surprised that it took nearly 7 liters to get my heart rate at a high, but reasonable level. I suppose this is a sign that I should take my health more seriously. I have canceled my last two Endocrinologist appointments as I felt I was too busy to attend them. When I think about that, I know it is ridiculous because I make time for everything else. I plan to an appointment today.

We survived Natalie's slumber party! Ten children, my four included, joined us for the night. Hallie's "best friend" Emma also came to enjoy the chaos. The girls had a wonderful time, but I am very thankful we don't do this on a regular occurrence!














































































In other news, Ian and I bought an early Christmas present:

We were able to get an amazing deal on it and it is perfect! Ian will drive our other Odyssey until we can trade it in for a smaller vehicle. We were very fortunate to find such an amazing deal.

Not our exact van, but identical.

Maybe things are looking up?

“Purpose is what gives life meaning."

A friend once told me that it is much easier to deal with your own grief than that of someone you love. There really is truth to that. At the moment, half a world away, Tim's funeral is being held. They will have him in a casket and following the "celebration" he will be cremated. His ashes will then be scattered in a place he and Ian used to hike together.

Shortly after Tim was diagnosed, we were talking online and he asked me how Ian was coping. He explained that he worried for his son because he remembered when his own father became sick. I assured him I would take care of Ian and he said he knew and how grateful he was that Ian had me. At the time I cried, telling myself that it would be okay but realizing those words would probably one day come into play. I have told everyone that Ian is okay, but I know he is not. I honestly can't imagine being in his place right now, nor do I want to. I know how extremely close Tim and Ian were and I know Ian is really hurting over losing Tim. Of course, he is being a male and insisting that he must be strong for everyone else. When it comes down to it, he hasn't been coming to bed until 4am in attempts to avoid thinking.

Today we had plans to go car shopping but it snowed and neither of us felt like venturing out to the dealerships. We are still looking for a car for Ian and trading in my Odyssey for a newer one. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but hopefully two cars because I hate car shopping!

Birthday Girl

Today is Natalie's 8th birthday! It's so hard to believe she went from this shy, abused 5 year old into a very sweet and loving little girl. I am so grateful she came into our lives and we were able to have her join our family.

I am planning to make her requested dinner of: Spaghetti, Italian sausage, garlic french bread and a garden salad. Afterward we'll take the girls to Cold Stone for some ice cream. I had planned on making a cake but she said she would rather go out, and I wasn't about to complain.

In general, everyone is doing alright. Dannah opted to stay home from school today, while Natalie chose to go. We are all still very sad but have managed to avoid tears today. Tim's Christmas present arrived today, we had ordered it with two day delivery in hopes of sending it early to cheer him up. Right now I have no idea what to do with it. Anyone need a Bill Bryson book on CD? Maybe we'll just donate it, I have a feeling returning it would leave a worse feeling.

I'll update later with photos of Natalie's birthday.

Has Blogspot changed? Many people can't view my blog and my font has changed as well. Can someone help me figure it out?

A life lost

Ian's dad died last night. My MIL called us at 3am (their time) and talked to Ian for about an hour. At 7am the hospice called and said Tim's health was deteriorating. He spent most of the day unconscious, which was a blessing because he feared dying while gasping for breath. Colleen, my mother-in-law, dressed him in the clothes he had asked to be put it, things he would have worn while cycling, kayaking, running and hiking: A beenie, Northface shorts, a fleece short sleeved top and the Merrell running shoes he bought while visiting us last year.
He died at 3:30pm with Colleen, Megan (Ian's 23 year old sister) and two family friends with him.

Dannah and Pop.

While expected, the reality wasn't any easier. Ian and I held each other until 3am last night, crying and talking. We told the girls this morning and the conversation went much as we expected it to. Dannah and Natalie were very upset and Hallie suggested that we give Pop a shot and some vitamins and he would get better. She also pointed out that she was in hospital too, when she was a tiny baby.

2007: Pop and Hallie

This was not how things were supposed to play out. He was not an old man! Our girls have lost the experience of having him in their lives. So many people have been cheated. I feel so badly for Ian, who has lost the person who he has looked up to his entire life.

2008: Pop and Natalie

Due to time restraints, Ian has made the decision not to fly back to Australia to attend the funeral. His mother and uncle both offered to pay for the flight, regardless of cost, but Ian said he had already said his goodbyes. Instead, he has decided to take a week off of work and spend it with the girls and I.

2007: Tim with Claire, Colleen.

Before he died, he asked Colleen to visit us once a year. I truly hope she does this, as they have been such an important part of our lives. While we have had month (+) long visits once a year, Ian had spoken with his dad online nearly every night since moving to the US. His parents both adored the girls and often spoke with them as well. It's still very surreal to see Tim's screen name online on MSN, set to "Away".

Our Family: 2007
My parents, Ian's parents and us.

June 2008: The last photo I took of the four of them.

Thankful

There are many reasons to be thankful! We are very fortunate to have four amazing, beautiful, healthy little girls. Even on the days where I'm ready to pull out all of my hair, I realize how very lucky I am.

Wednesday I woke up to discover a brick had been thrown through Ian's rear windshield. I was pretty shocked, considering we live in a very safe, quiet neighborhood. In fact, I don't think any of our neighbors are under the age of 50. Fortunately, we had been planning to sell the car and we knew it wasn't worth much. We decided it would be better to just donate the car and Goodwill is scheduled to pick it up tomorrow. I am very grateful the damage wasn't to my van, which Ian had taken to work with him that morning.

We spent Thanksgiving with my parents and a couple of family friends. It was nice, quiet and there was far more food than we could eat. We spent the evening playing with the kids, followed by the six of us crowding on the couch to watch Wall-E. It was really nice to wind down and spend time with the kids.

Tim's (my FIL) condition has been getting progressively worse. Three days ago, I was annoyed with the constant ringing of the phone and had decided not to bother to check it. My MIL then called my mom and by the time she reached me she was very upset. Tim had another breathing "episode" and had been taken to hospice the night before. He won't be returning home. The entire situation is so tragic, I can't even begin to try to relate. They were married 30 years ago, in their early twenties and had so many plans for the future. I really didn't know any words of comfort.

In better news, I have completed most of my Christmas shopping! Ian received his bonus on Thanksgiving, so we took full advantage of the Thanksgiving/Black Friday deals. We opted to order most of our gifts online this year to save dealing with the crowds. I am extremely excited for our Gymboree package to get here, I was able to order some of the outfits I have been eying for ages! The little things in life really do please me!

An 8 year old's drama

As much as I have tried to be reasonable, I have officially turned into one of those mothers. From the time we enrolled Dannah and Natalie in kindergarten, we specifically requested that the girls be put into separate classes. Having their own friends, space, and identities was very important to us. After Dannah was put into the GT program it became a non-issue.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that Natalie was being picked on by a couple of girls in her specials group. When she informed the teacher of this, the teacher responded by saying, "Am I E. or M.? Go work it out with them." Finally, after hearing what these children were saying to Natalie, I went to Natalie's teacher and expressed my disappointment in how this situation was being handled. I asked that Natalie be moved to another group. She told me that instead of moving Natalie, she would ask that the girls who were bullying be separated. There are three groups of 2nd graders, so I assumed it would be taken care of.

Today Dannah comes home in tears and tells me that they did separate the girls, but in the process they pulled Dannah out of her group and put her into Natalie's! They left one of the bullies in Natalie's group, moved the other to the 3rd group and I'm assuming placed Dannah with Natalie so that she could help protect her. I was furious!

I called Natalie's teacher and explained why I was upset about Dannah being put in the middle of this situation, to which she told me she would see what she could do. I then called the specials teacher and told her that I wanted Dannah placed back in her original group and I did not appreciate her bringing Dannah into a situation that had nothing to do with her. While I remained polite, she responded fairly harsh to me over the phone but agreed to place Dannah back in her original group.

Unfortunately, the issue is far from over. I feel horrible about it because one mother is threatening to pull her child from the school due to one of the girls being placed in her group. While normally I would sum it up to this parent's decision, she is really the only other parent I have connected with and her daughter is the only solid friendship Natalie has formed.

Am I being irrational by being ticked over how this situation was handled?

The days have managed to slowly slip by. This weekend I agreed to allow both Dannah and Natalie to each invite a friend over for the night. In addition to the two extra girls, I ended up watching a friend's 4 year old son. Having seven kids running around is one way to occupy time, and I even survived, if only with a little less sanity!

Ian and I have been trying to talk in our spare time. He seems to be doing well, has been shipped off to multiple family friends to repair computer problems, but he doesn't seem to mind. If anything, the fact that people are asking for any of his time while he's there annoys me far more than it annoys him.

Today I had Hallie's parent/teacher conference. Other than being the youngest child in the class, she's doing very well! I still have some issues with the fact that my three year old was placed in a classroom with mostly five year olds, but the options are very limited. She really seems to be settling down, which is a positive thing considering Hallie has never been an easy child.

Natalie, Dannah and Claire are also doing well. Dannah received mostly fours on her report card, with a few 3+. She is being graded on a 3rd-4th grade level, so I am quite proud of how she's doing in the program. Natalie is also doing awesome, with all 3s on her report card. She really seems to be excelling this year. Claire is cutting four molars and has been in quite a mood lately. I hate the teething stage! Poor kiddo.

I am surviving. I still hate going to bed alone, but am grateful that Ian will be coming home. I really need a break and am hoping to talk him into a nice date night in the near future. I honestly can't remember the last time we went out without the kids.

Gotta Be Somebody

Ian called to let me know that Tim had been taken by ambulance this morning. Apparently he was having a lot of pain, which made breathing difficult. Ian said that Tim told him to go wait for the ambulance, that he didn't want Ian to see him like that. I texted Ian's sister and asked for an update, an hour later Ian replied and said they were in the ER and Tim's pain was being controlled by IV meds. Currently, I have no idea what is going on or if anyone will bother to contact me. I almost feel like it's "need to know information" and I'm not on the list of needing to know. I really hate being half a world away.

In other unrelated news, we picked up Dannah's glasses. She is thrilled and made comments about being able to see things she didn't know she wasn't able to see before. My poor child!

Snipped

The good thing? Ian made it to Australia. The bad thing? His luggage did not. As of last night it was somewhere between LAX and Sydney airport. In the meantime, I suppose he'll be borrowing some clothes from his dad.

I did talk to Ian for awhile last night. He was tired after his flights and a bit shocked over his dad's condition. I have a feeling he was expecting his dad to be weak, much like our previous trip, but not bed ridden and unable to walk anywhere on his own. He said his dad cried when he saw him, which reassures me we made the right decision for Ian to visit now.

Today I went to the salon and had just over 9 inches cut off. I love it! My hair hasn't been this short since I met Ian and it's nice to have a change. I am going to make an effort to keep up with it, as I can no longer shove it in a ponytail and go on my way.






Before, a bad self portrait.














After.

Heads we will and tails we'll try again

I am grateful I booked Ian's tickets on a whim, because I've been a total mess over the idea of him going. I spent most of the day in spontaneous tears, which is very unlike me. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to cope for eleven days without him! I intend on having both Hallie and Claire in bed with me to make it a little less empty. I hate this. I am so attached and dependent on my husband, he really is my rock. I realize I am being completely ridiculous.































The girls are all doing well. Dannah and Natalie had Friday off, so I managed to get them both in to the optometrist. The result was glasses for Dannah. Her vision was 50/20 in both eyes and I expected this day would come. Genetics were definitely not on her side. She picked out some pretty frames and her order should be in by Monday or Tuesday. Natalie, who has perfect eyes, was devastated that she wouldn't be getting glasses, too. I only hope she keeps her 20/20 vision, glasses are expensive!

I have booked an appointment at the salon on Tuesday to get my long hair chopped off. I really need something different. I've become accustom to pulling it back in a ponytail every day and I'm sure it looks terrible. I'm really looking forward to the change, so we'll see how it turns out.

I suppose I should help Ian pack. Ugh.

Death is the one thing we all have in common

Things have been tough lately. My father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in early April. A shock for everyone, considering he was an otherwise healthy 54 year old non-smoker. In a matter of months he went from a marathon cyclist to wheelchair bound.

In May we took the girls to Australia to spend a month with their grandparents. We wanted the girls to form memories, although we are fully aware that Hallie and Claire are too young to remember much, if anything. Tim certainly still had his good and bad days, but kept his sense of humor. We took turns going with him to radiation and the girls got to "color" on Pop as they marked him. The uncertain future made leaving difficult and while the girls were oblivious, my heart broke for Ian.

Today Colleen (my MIL) called at 8am (2am their time) to let us know that Tim was in the hospital with bleeding in the brain and a clot in his "good" lung. He has signed his DNR and declined in-hospice care, so that he can return home to die. Two hospice nurses will be helping Colleen, who is an RN herself, with his care. They have converted Ian's former room into a "hospital" room.

After months of denial, the reality has finally hit Ian. He agreed to let me book him a ticket to Australia. An hour after he got off the phone, he had a round trip ticket - leaving this Sunday and returning on the 20th. I have been pressing for months for him to go and I am so grateful he is finally doing so. Colleen reported that Tim cried when he heard that his son would be coming.

I just wish I could be with Ian during this time. We haven't spent a night away from each other in nearly five years and I'm panicking a bit over the idea. Eleven days! Purely selfish thoughts on my part and I would never voice them to Ian. My prayer at this point is that he makes it in time.

In the end, only kindness matters

The girls and I went searching for pumpkins. The first place we stopped was a stand that proudly proclaimed they donated 50% of their proceeds to the National Habitat. Unfortunately, the cheapest pumpkin in the lot was $15, which times four, was simply just out of our pumpkin budget. We moved on to a local Sunflower Market that opened last week. After spending a great deal of time allowing each girl to pick out their "perfect" pumpkins, we made our way to the end of the line. Twenty minutes later the cashier gave me our total of $10.40 and in return I handed him a twenty dollar bill. With a look of distress and a long line behind me he announced that he did not have change for a $20 and informed me that I would need to pay the $.40 so that he could give me an even ten back. I explained that I did not have $.40 but I could pay with my card or he could give me quarters for change. Confused he called out for a manager and the manager told him to wait and he would get him some one dollar bills and some change. At that point the older woman behind me reached into her purse and handed the cashier $.40. I told her it wasn't necessary, but thanked her profusely when she insisted. In short, she was probably tired of the stupid cashier and didn't want to wait any longer in line, but her kindness stayed with me. It never fails to amaze me the impact of a complete stranger's kindness.

Fall Break

Rarely does life manage to slow down. The girls have been on "Fall Break" and will return to school on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that we haven't really done anything, they've enjoyed the time at home.

In other news, Ian and I are in the process of car shopping. Ian's car is in dire need of being replaced, before it blows up...or worse! Yesterday we went to a dealership and he picked out an Outback that he really likes, and the sales man offered a good deal. Tomorrow he'll take the day off work to sort out the financing and hopefully be able to pick it up. I'm grateful, there is absolutely no way we could manage being a one car family.

Bigger news: Hallie is completely potty trained! I was wondering if this day would ever come. Most things seem to be a power struggle with Hallie and this was no exception. She does things on her own time, it seemed that we made little influence with the process. Well she's finally decided that she's NOT a baby anymore, and big girls use the potty! With a new assortment of panties, we've managed to get rid of the pull-ups!

Eight Years

It never fails to amaze me how time slips by. On September 24, 2000 I met the first love of my life. Due to complications during and after delivery, I was unable to see her for the first few hours. They did, however, bring me two polaroid photos. My first thought? How could I have created this beautiful baby? I was in complete awe.

















While parenthood came unexpectedly early in my life, I really enjoyed it. In many ways, Dannah and I grew together. While I completed my remaining teenage years, she blossomed into this amazing little girl.


9 weeks























8 months











First Birthday

















19 months















Two years



















Three years
























Four years

















Five years















Six years












Seven years (with Natalie)













Eight years
















The awe has never gone away. I still look at Dannah in complete amazement. She has turned into this intellegent little young girl, who knows exactly what she wants. I am so extremely blessed to have her in my life.

Party!

With Dannah's eighth birthday approaching, we had five of her friends over for a slumber party to celebrate. After taking advice from several slumber party experienced friends, we were well prepared with crafts and activities. After the girls enjoyed (or tossed) pizza, we painted nails, decorated picture frames, played flashlight tag and eventually ended the night with a movie. The best part? Ian and I survived! Even better, the girls had a great time.


Cassie, Dannah, Kailee, Brynn, Natalie, Holly, Kylea




























Dannah (and Tess), Natalie, Claire and Hallie
















Kailee and Dannah











Dannah Lyn

A New Chapter

In attempt to keep family and close friends updated on our lives, we've (I've) decided to start a blog! I am unsure how "updated" I'll manage to keep it, but it is a work in progress.

Ian and I have four beautiful girls, who we absolutely adore.







Dannah is nearly eight years old (how did THAT happen?!) and an avid reader. She enjoys school and loves to write stories, sing in the choir and has recently added running club and learning Chinese to her list of activities.






















Natalie is also (almost) eight years old. She loves to play outdoors, have slumber parties and is doing very well with her reading. Her recent highlight is the brand new mountain bike from Nan and Pop! A new pro at riding, it has become a quick favorite.



















Hallie is now three! She is full of adventure and always has us on our toes. Many would call Hallie "rambunctious", but I prefer to refer to her as "spirited"! In August, she started preschool and loves it.









Claire turned one on June 1st, while we were on vacation in Australia visiting Nan and Pop. Claire has an amazingly sweet personality and tries very hard to keep up with "the big girls". She currently has mastered quite a few words and is learning more each day!